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"News From The Pits"

Fitzwell

Capt. Richard "Crazy Legs"  Fitzwell Returns!
        Shellpile - Dec13th .  That's Right! After falling off
a ladder while hanging seasonal decorations on his dry docked dinghy,  former Mayor & part time  fish & wildlife molester Capt. Fitzwell fell into a storm drain & was washed into the Delaware Bay  where He was gnawed on for days by  oyster crackers & snapping bluefish. When he finally sobered up he found that the water was only 3 foot deep so he walked over 25 yards back to the beach where a couple of drifters took his bottle of "Olde English 800"and proceeded to beat him with it. (Continued on pg. 3)

 

Maurice Township Navy Runs Aground

Maurice Township Navy took on  a militant cell of mussels last week.
 Capt. Joe Hazelton told this reporter it was a fierce battle that lasted for over 4 minutes.
"It  nearly woke me up"  he said.

COUNCIL  UNANIMOUS IN IMPORTANT VOTE

City council voted to adopt new legislation that will require Marice River residents
  to wear underwear on the outside.
The bill also included a provision that forces bar owners to give away free beer .
"The voice of the people has spoke"'.
The council has said.

Cumberland  County  Board of Chosen Freeloaders
The Cumberland  County  Board of Chosen Freeloaders decided to form an exploratory commission
 to find out where your TV, jewelry ,keys to your car, cash, etc. is.
"We'll find it" said freeloader Phil Macraken.

Plague of Dumpster Sleepers Threatens Maurice River




A campaign is underway to rid the township of these unwanted residents.
The volunteer fire dept. has implemented a plan of action.



BEFORE

AFTER

WITHOUT SHOES
By
BEN NEW

Cat dang tarnation wheew doggies lickety split!
This here is some fine music.
Sure doo lak dat Midnight Clammer Song!
Needs more songs about mollusks though.
Yup. Clams.
I didn't think much of the rest of it though.
A tune about mussels would have been a better opener.
How about Bilge & Oysters?
Flotsam .

Mayor Stinky

Mayor Stinky  has declared  this week  National  Cholesterol Week.
"Dem  Stoopit  scientists  argh  givin'  grease & cholesterol  a  bad name"
She said.  " I eats it all duh time, en I'm  is a picture uh health & beauty!"

Bivalve's resident rejoices!


Shellpile looks exited too!





HIESLERVILLE INSURGENCY ENDS




Heislerville's Air Force

Heislerville's Air Force was defeated today while  attempting to attack a strategic target
in Leesburg. This may be the final blow to Heislervilles bid to cede from Cumberland County.
Eyewitnesses confessed to throwing  pebbles at the plane which led to it's demise.
The plane was piloted by none other than Lieutenant no class B. A.. Belcher.
The crew consisted of Mr. Donut and a hamster.
They are believed to be hiding somewhere in the dumpster behind the Wa Wa.
Authorities caution residents " These men have 2 arms & are dangerous to jellyfish & horseshoe crabs alike!"
Report any suspicious musical intervals to the authorities.
Don't let your dog out tonight.!
Local Religious News

Religious leaders in your area have designated
this day to be known hence forth as
Friday whether or not it is.


Townbank & Maurice River  soundly defeat each other
by both running aground during a naval battle that lasted
over 12 minutes. All hands drowned in over a foot of water except
Capt. Joe Hazelton & a couple of stowaways.
" It was awful " Hazelton said.
The battle was so fierce I spilled my beer.

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